


Companions and Eventualities 8 -- Patience

by Viola_Laterra



Series: Companions and Eventualities [8]
Category: Enderal (Video Game)
Genre: Anniversary, Brave New World Ending, Chronic Illness, Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fights, M/M, Multi, Other, Physical Disability, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Spoilers for Brave New World ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25152190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viola_Laterra/pseuds/Viola_Laterra
Summary: The Prophet has an idea (actually several) that Jespar doesn't like.  Conflict between them is always painful, but comfort can come from unexpected places, and the strength of their relationship can withstand many challenges.  Also anniversaries, while joyful, can also be complicated.(Takes place 10 years after Brave New World Ending)
Relationships: Jespar Dal'Varek & Calia Sakaresh, Jespar Dal'Varek/Prophet | Prophetess, Prophet | Prophetess/Calia Sakaresh
Series: Companions and Eventualities [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809244
Kudos: 7





	Companions and Eventualities 8 -- Patience

"No. Absolutely not. Out of the question." Jespar was angrier with me than he was letting on, I could tell. But before I could try to explain further, or acknowledge that maybe my suggestion had been out of line, I saw him take a deep breath, shake his head, and look away for a moment. I knew that meant he was thinking the better of his initial reaction, so I waited.

He looked back at me, and I saw his look shift to uncertainty and then resignation, and then he said, "I need a drink." And he turned and left the room.

I sighed and sat down heavily at my work table, resting my forehead on my hands. I knew that meant he wouldn't be back tonight. He'd grab a flask of the hard alcohol we'd figured out how to make from the fruit of the palm-like trees that grew up here, and he'd head to the Archives, just as he always did when we had a falling out.

In spite of the pain of knowing I'd driven him away again, I smiled a little to myself. I still remembered when he'd come up with the idea. It had come about because I'd been lamenting that there hadn't been more detail in the Starling Archive to help guide us as to how the Beacon actually worked. Jespar had said, "Yeah, not like that isn't a pretty important detail: that lighting it without the Numinos doesn't just cause an explosion -- it actually triggers the Cleansing."

But then I realized something: "Maybe the Starlings didn't know? Maybe we're the first to be here with that knowledge?"

Jespar had fallen silent and become thoughtful, something he'd done increasingly in the last few years. He'd got a gleam in his eye, and he'd said to me, "The Aged Man might have made art to tell truths about ourselves, and he might have meant it metaphorically. I think we ought to do it literally. Leave a message here for future people, so they know not to set off the Beacon without the Numinos. The High Ones have failsafes to keep their plan intact? Well, then, we'll have failsafes, too."

And since then, he'd spent a lot of time, especially when he was upset or needed space, down at the bottom of the Archive, adding another layer to describe our Cycle, only with more detail. We'd discussed how it should be done... we couldn't know if the next round of humans would understand our written languages, so pictures had been a smart choice on the part of the Starlings, and we decided to stick with that. It had taken Jespar quite some time to get the hang of the stone carving tools we'd found in one of the workshops deep in the city. The mining technology was too coarse for something like this task, but we'd found finer tools down there, too. He'd made it a calling, to learn how to carve and sculpt stone. He'd gotten quite good at it, too.

I raised my head and looked at the little statuette he'd carved for me that I kept at my work table; it depicted a little child reaching their arms up. It was one of his earlier pieces, but even then, he'd had a knack for getting the emotion right, even in a cruder carving. The look on the child's face was yearning... and I saw in it Rynéus, hoping for acceptance... Tharaêl seeking peace... and myself, seeking redemption.

I sighed. Well, Jespar would be back tomorrow, or maybe the next day. We'd talk through it then. We'd been together too long for even this to stop us for long.

Still, our quarters felt especially lonely that night. I made dinner for myself, wondered if he'd thought to bring some rations with him...or maybe just figured the drink would substitute for food? Something he might have done, back when... And as I worked on cleaning up after making and eating the meal, I realized why I felt particularly lonely. It was our anniversary, tomorrow, again. Had Jespar forgotten that, in his distress?

Well. I decided the best thing to do was to go to bed. I laid there, and after a while, fell asleep.

It was a restless sleep, though. In the middle of the night, I woke with bad dreams. Thankfully, not the bad dreams of the past, or those planted by the High Ones. But they were dreams full of the loneliness of what life could be like once I was utterly alone. Which, if I understood my own nature correctly, was how it would be for many thousands of years.

Fortunately, as I tossed and turned, Calia woke beside me and stroked my hair. "Bad dreams?" she asked, in that soft, quiet way she had. I nodded, feeling a deep wave of gratitude for her. I was so deeply glad that we had all made landfall in the escape pods without injury... it meant that when Arantheal had told me, "Bring your beloved with you," back when he had called me to go in search of the Numinos below the Undercity, in the City of a Thousand Floods... It had been clear enough to me that these two people mattered more to me than anything else in the world. Except, maybe, saving it.

Arantheal had raised an eyebrow at me when the three of us had arrived to meet him and Yuslan, but hadn't said anything. And when both Calia and Jespar had been trapped on the outside of the Pyrean temple, it was only the urgency of saving everyone else that allowed me to listen when Arantheal told me we had to move on. And it had been lucky, in the end, that they'd been delayed like that... they'd saved me from the Black Guardian. And then the three of us had fled here to the Star City.

I shifted around to kiss Calia, and she responded in her typical ardent but calm way. She always communicated her care, along with a restrained passion, in every move she made. On any other night, I would have wanted more than just to kiss her when she responded like this. But tonight it was more for soothing myself than anything else. 

When I finally stopped kissing her, a little out of breath, she said softly to me, "You know he gets like this around your anniversary."

I sighed and laid on my back, letting her nestle in and rest her head on my chest. Wrapping my arms around her, I said, "I know."

Calia chuckled softly and added, "It makes me just as glad that our anniversary is a bit later. Usually the two of you have made up by then."

I did laugh, just a little. We had just been deeply connected friends, when the three of us had made it here. I had taken Arantheal's word, 'beloved,' in my own way, interpreting it as I chose, at the time. And several months after we'd been here, after we'd found a way to feed ourselves, to sleep securely without fear of attacks by Starling sentries... after a while, it had seemed clearer and clearer to me that she was starting to have interest in romance and physical intimacy. Jespar and I were never shy about it around her, and I started catching looks that suggested that she was curious about it for herself.

So, there was the night that I asked her if she wanted to explore it. She told me that she had never thought she would, that she'd never felt it was safe for her to let down her guard like that, to risk her demon side getting out of control... in the past, the feelings had overwhelmed her and she'd distanced herself from the object of her affections. And with me, the feelings had grown slowly, over time, along with a deep trust that made it feel much more safe than it had when she was younger. And now she felt she deserved to experience what life had to offer... and yes, she was curious.

I had told her then that I was as interested as she was in seeing how our relationship might evolve, if we explored these aspects of intimacy. And then she'd asked the obvious thing: "But what about Jespar?"

I had laughed and said, "Jespar asked me for an open relationship, from the very beginning. I will check with him, because I still think that's the right way to go about it. But I know he supports the exploration of what relationships can be -- he wouldn't want to restrict what we do together, or how we feel about each other." She'd seemed a little doubtful, but agreed with me that I should talk to him.

And Jespar had reacted as I thought he would. He'd said he wasn't surprised, that he'd seen how she'd been looking at me, how the two of us reacted when we touched each other in a casual way. He'd said, "I know that yearning for the touch to be more than that. I'll admit... this is not quite how I imagined this would play out. But of course you should pursue whatever you think is best. I know you'll come back to me, too." And implied in that statement was both a faith in what we had already built together, and also a kind of black humor around the fact that there was literally no one else in the world to choose from. 

And so my anniversary with Calia was not quite half a year after my anniversary with Jespar.

I had found, over the last decade that we'd been up here, that it was wonderful to have two people who intimately knew me, who could give and receive comfort, pleasure, and support... we'd been fortunate that there had rarely been a time in the last ten years when both relationships needed work at the same time, so one of my beloveds was often able to reassure me while I was worrying about the other. 

And Calia, when she was truly upset, would go away for weeks, surveying parts of the City. I knew that she was working to get her demon side under control, so I never begrudged her that, even if I missed her and worried a little about her. She usually took her Starling communicator with her, so I knew that she could check in if something happened. But I never contacted her. I trusted her to come back when she was ready to come back.

Jespar, on the other hand, tended to leave his communicator behind. Though he never left for longer than a day or two, and it was always to go to the Archive to work on the carvings. We had all taken turns on those, but they were his project and he spent more time on them than either of us.

Calia sighed and stroked my arm. She said, "What set him off this time, if it's all right to ask?" Though all three of us were pretty free with each other, Calia always asked permission to know details between Jespar and me. Just part of her way of viewing the situation, I thought.

And I did want to talk to her about this. I wanted to know if I'd been out of line for suggesting it, and especially so close to my anniversary with him. So I said with a sigh, "I... I suggested Apotheosis."

"Ah," she said. "And I take it that didn't sit well with him."

I shook my head against the pillow. "No, it did not." 

She said, "You know, he's still coming to terms with his condition." I sighed again and said, "I know. I know... I should have waited longer to suggest it."

Calia pondered for a moment and then said, "How sure are you about it? About what's happening to him?"

I shook my head again and said, "I'm not sure of it. But he tires so much more easily than he should at his age, and given how he was when we met -- he was stronger than I was, then, and I know he still trains. I don't think it was exposure to the Cleansing, because you don't show the same effects."

She gritted her teeth for a moment; I could feel the tension in her jaw against my chest. I knew what she was about to say. I knew she hated to acknowledge it, but that she thought it was important for this conversation so she'd make herself say it anyway: "Maybe that's because I was brought back from death by the energy of the High Ones. And not because Jespar is in any particular trouble."

I said softly, "You know I've seen other eventualities in which you died, just like everyone else, and ones in which Jespar did. The Cleansing affected both of you in the same way as the others. The only people I have seen in my dreams who were not affected are people who must have been Emissaries. And even Arantheal, because he was at the epicenter of the whole thing, didn't survive. You know the Black Guardian told me that even I would eventually succumb, if I hadn't escaped up here." I hoped she wouldn't bring up that she had never agreed with that choice... I was still feeling unsettled about Jespar and hoped Calia wouldn't get upset with me, too. This didn't seem like a good time to be dealing with battles on two fronts at once.

Fortunately, she did not try to focus on that decision. Instead, she said, "But... I'm still not clear on what evidence you have that Jespar is not from the same eventuality as we are."

I sighed and said, "I don't have much evidence. The way his life signs appear different from yours, and the other animal life in the City... the fact that he was very definitely dead when the Veiled Woman brought him back. And the way he sometimes gets those headaches... when he describes them to me, they sound like a faint version of Arcane fever."

She nodded slowly against my chest. "And he can't see the Sea of Eventualities; can't actually use magic. So... you think this eventuality is slowly trying to eliminate him, as Yuslan taught you, before he..." She trailed off, avoiding the topic of Yuslan having betrayed us all at the last moment, causing Arantheal to trigger the Cleansing. 

I said, "Yes. It's not enough to kill him immediately, but just something that weakens him slowly over time. I think the Veiled Woman..."

"...Master of eventualities..." Calia interrupted softly, using my phrase. I smiled. "Yes, master of eventualities. I think she was able to bring a version of Jespar from an eventuality so nearby that it is an almost imperceptible difference." 

"But enough to have a cumulative effect," Calia said. I nodded and said, "Yes. So... no, I don't have any hard evidence. Which... is part of why he doesn't want to believe it. Especially since we've been up here... We've all focused more and more on that which can be proven; what the Starlings have done is so grounded in empirical measurement, and we live and breathe their way of life now." I paused, thinking about the situation. "And, of course, my theory doesn't necessarily suggest a solution, though I've thought that maybe we could try to find a way to make ambrosia for him."

Calia chuckled. "Tell Jespar he has to drink in order to get better? I'll bet he'd prefer that to having his consciousness transferred into an object. Even if he's always said that the stuff tastes terrible."

"Well, it *does* taste terrible." I laughed and traced a finger around the edge of her ear; she sighed softly. I thought about her comment. She and Jespar had developed their own relationship with each other, over these many years. While Calia had originally held Jespar in contempt for his lifestyle and self-serving philosophies, over time she'd come to understand his change in perspective after all the events we'd been through together. And Jespar, for his part, had written Calia off as cold, closed, and unwilling to take any risks in order to live life. He, too, had come to see how she'd changed. Eventually, they'd become friends, and despite these nearly polar opposite underlying personalities and philosophies, they seemed to have come to some sort of mutual understanding; sometimes they even spent various kinds of intimate time together. I didn't ask for details, though sometimes a few would get shared in the course of some other story. But it pleased me, very much, to think that they could also find some kind of comfort and good company in each other.

I said contemplatively, "I know magic to reduce my own Arcane fever, but it doesn't work on others. And I still don't know where we'd find half the ingredients for ambrosia up here. And even if we could get back down to the surface reliably, I don't know if any of those things still exist down there, either."

"You know we still have a little left over in storage," Calia reminded me. I said, "I know, but how long will it last us?... How long will it last him?"

"I don't know," she said to me. She propped herself up on an elbow and kissed me lightly. Then she said, "He knows you love him. He'll forgive you. And maybe apotheosis will be the right answer, eventually. Time will tell. You have to be patient with him, Sa'Ira. He doesn't change quickly."

I raised an eyebrow at her. She laughed. "I know, I know. Neither do I. But... let him think about this one for a while. You've given him the idea. Just see what happens."

"All right," I said. She nodded and we curled back up again, Calia stroking my hair until I fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke to an empty bed. I remembered with a violent jerk of grief which eventuality I actually lived in: one without Calia. But her loss was an old wound, now. So the sadness, after that brief flare-up, settled back in to its usual place. And... in a way, even experiencing a brief window of that other eventuality was comforting. And I knew Jespar would get over my awkward attempts to explain my theories about his fatigue and my even more awkward attempts to suggest solutions. That he'd be back, when he was ready. And I thanked the Calia of that other eventuality for reminding me that there were a few bottles of ambrosia left here in our eventuality, too. And, frankly... if Jespar tried it, and it helped the headaches and fatigue, that would be a diagnostic in and of itself.

I eventually got out of bed, washed up, and made myself some breakfast. I was just considering heading upstairs to try again to focus on work, when a shadow passed the window and a moment later Jespar stood in the doorway. He looked terrible; hadn't slept well, probably a little hung-over at this point in the morning. And he had an awkward look on his face. I thought that probably meant he wasn't quite sure he wanted to reconcile yet, but he felt the need to try. I stood up, and he stepped into the room, clearly trying to decide what to say.

Eventually he came to me and took my left hand from where I held it stiffly at my side. He sighed, feeling the tension in it. He met my eyes, and the remorse in his look melted my anxiety a little. I let him open my hand, and then drew in a breath as he placed a spray of little yellow flowers in it, closing my fingers around the delicate light green stems. I smiled, looking down at the flowers -- from the plant with the bitter pea pods that had made me so sick, early on. We'd discovered that you had to soak them for a long time, and then boil them for longer than that, and then they made reasonably good food. But he'd remembered, every year on our anniversary, how I'd been the one to try them first, and how, even in the midst of being sick, I had commented on how beautiful the little blossoms were.

I looked back up at Jespar and saw him smiling, too. "Happy anniversary," he said softly to me. "Happy anniversary," I said, and leaned close to kiss him. He felt desperate, the way he responded. When he finally let me go, I just wrapped my arms around him and held on tight. I don't know how long we stood like that, but the sun was already shining in the upper windows of our quarters when he shifted and we broke apart.

I looked him in the eyes again and said, "I'm sorry." He shook his head and replied, "It's all right. I... I don't like *any* of the things you're telling me. But I know you wouldn't be telling them to me if you didn't think they were important. Worth considering. I don't feel like I'm not from this reality..." And he stroked my cheek gently. "But then you feel very real to me, too, and to yourself, in spite of what you are, so who knows what impossibilities we're dealing with here. I guess it could be my turn to be... implausible."

I nodded, and then said the thing that I was so uncomfortable with: "I just... can't imagine losing you."

Jespar laughed at me softly. "You would eventually have lost me anyway. Just the nature of the beast. This might just be sooner, huh?" He cupped my cheek, and I leaned into his hand, nodding. "You being afraid to lose me... that's just the High Ones, whispering in your ear, even now. That's why Yero kept his companion's body despite the taboos against it. Why Gajus had his beloved preserved in a jar. Why Calia's father went to such obscene lengths to bring her back to life. Don't let that be the reason we do it."

I nodded again, feeling the truth of his words. He went on, "It doesn't sound like we have to decide this right now." I said, "That's right."

"Come on, let's go for a walk," Jespar said, taking my free hand. I laughed a bit, and put the little flowers on the table, and let him lead me out of the room into the bright sunshine and fresh air.

We paused at the landing, looking off into the heights of the city above us. Jespar smiled slowly and looked sideways at me. "I just might consider your suggestion -- if you put me in that," and he pointed at a figure perched up at the top of one of the towers, huge even at this distance.

"The Starling bird?" I said in shock. The Steel dragon -- the defense mechanism of the city that had almost destroyed us when we'd first come here and Kurmai had betrayed us out of desperation. My smile slowly answered Jespar's. Well, if there were ever a fitting alternative for Jespar Dal'Varek, wanderer... if there were ever a way for him to be freer than any human mind had ever been... to be able to fly, to go anywhere... I wasn't sure if he was joking, but I responded, "All right. We'll see what we can do." And we set off on our walk.

**Author's Note:**

> I liked this idea so much that I wrote a scene of it:
> 
> _Eventually, they'd become friends, and despite these nearly polar opposite underlying personalities and philosophies, they seemed to have come to some sort of mutual understanding; sometimes they even spent various kinds of intimate time together._
> 
> See ["Curiosity"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25365409) for more details. ;)


End file.
